Have you ever been guilty of an occasional verbal faux pas, making an accidental, unintended bigoted statement, or asking a bigoted-sounding question? No doubt, many of us are guilty of being the accidental bigot.
I have been guilty of being the accidental bigot more than once, unfortunately.
Like all of my dinner parties, the one this week had an interesting mix of people, from a wide array of backgrounds and experiences. Marti and Joe, retired educators, were speaking of their volunteer work with refugees. (Joe is a spitting image of Old Saint Nick and when he and his wife participate in literacy programs in the schools, the children always ask if he is Santa Claus.) The couple spoke fondly of the Cambodians who delight in coming up to Joe, patting his expansive mid-section and declaring, “Oooohh, you so fat!” Joe and Marti have come to learn that in the Cambodian culture, such an expression is really a declaration of admiration, for it suggests the weight-bearing person is wealthy enough to eat well, very well indeed.
The discussion segued into verbal faux pas each of us has made…times when we said something in all innocence that may have sounded like a bigoted remark to someone else. When I taught in an inner-city high school, for example, many students lived below the poverty line. (Not much has changed. The most recent census for Rochester, New York, shows the median family income is $31,257; the per capita income, only $15, 588. Nearly 40 percent of children under age 18 are still living below the poverty level.)
My accidental, unintended bigoted-sounding remark was spoken at the end of a Parent-Teacher conference night. One of the parents was helping me clean up. I plastic-wrapped all the leftover cookies and suggested she take them home to the children. (It’s a gesture I often make with guests in my home, hoping only they will enjoy food that would otherwise go to waste.) I will never forget what happened next. She looked me right in the eye and asserted (virtually hissed), “We don’t need your charity.”
I’ve revisited that night often and have shared the details with others. I now ask a question, rather than making a suggestion. It’s a subtle verbal distinction, but asking “Do you want to take these?” or “Should we split these?” affords the other person the option of accepting or declining. It leaves his or her pride intact. Suggesting he or she take them might indeed be a statement open to misinterpretation.
How about you? Can you think of a time or circumstance when you yourself might have been declared an “accidental bigot?”