With an air of condescending disappointment and over a plate of fried catfish and smothered sweet potatoes, my good friend asked, “How does Ms. Blackness herself, Queen of critiquing all things white, end up dating a WHITE man?” Yes, it’s the same friend from my last post — what can I say; he provides much fodder for writing! Anyway, I was a little perturbed at the thought of having to “justify” my dating life; still, I pushed my saltiness aside. Once again, I found myself in a “teachable” moment.
Granted, ten years ago not only would my own underdeveloped consciousness justify his question, but my actions would have affirmed that African American men were the only available dating partners for me. Mind you, this would have been an outgrowth of all the social indicators informing me that I was in the beginning stages of developing a syndrome — the SSBF (Successful Single Black Female) syndrome.
Apparently, the whole of U. S. society is in cahoots to make sure that African American women know how much “success” is detrimental to their heteronormative reproductive outlook — for those who may be seeking such a thing. Random self-dubbed public intellectuals are writing blogs and books, CNN and ABC are hosting televised forums, and comedians are the focus of films teaching professional black women how to think and act right. GTFO!
When I entered undergraduate school, I began hearing the warnings for black women in higher education. Like public service announcements, upperclassmen — male and female alike — would proclaim, “You know the male to female ratio is one to eight here.” Because I went to school in the Atlanta University Center, the ratio in the minds’ of heterosexual men and women were even more disparate for the fact of homosexuality among black men mattered, but ironically not among black women. (Lesbian black women were simply in a liminal space waiting to become bisexual or turned straight — an altogether different blog needing to be written). In response, I often saw men attempting to partake in their full-allotted share of women and women desperately clamoring to grab and hold on to the men who would have them.
As I graduated and went directly into graduate studies, I ran into hosts of people who had missed their callings as surgeon generals. With these people, no matter what conversation was taking place, at some point I was generally warned against becoming too educated if I wanted to marry a black man. “One, you just won’t find them here at this level,” they would say, “two, if you do, they are probably with a white or Asian woman. So three, don’t talk so much because you’ll be too intimidating to most of the other eligible ones.” This was the advice they could offer for my overall health and wellness.
On the other end of the spectrum, black males who had made it out of their violence ridden, drug-infested, economically depraved neighborhoods (cause all black boys in the U.S. live in these conditions — and by themselves) were simultaneously being told how wonderful and truly exceptional they are. Having a legally honorable income and/or college degree made them a dating commodity. A black man with a professional or graduate degree and no children? Hell, he’s become a VVS yellow diamond in the ruff.
Hence the sheer idea of dating for professional black men and women in the United States is a fabled narrative of scarcity bought into by many. I know the realities of African American men caught up in the prison industrial complex. I don’t dispel its genocidal effect on Black America. Also, I do not accept that homosexuality is the phantom destroyer of black communities, but homophobia and new cases of HIV/AIDS definitely are working a toll on the stability of black lives — all issues that I will write about in the future. What I do offer regarding this narrative of scarcity inhibiting heterosexual black women from believing stable healthy relationships are possible for them are two points.
First, as a dear SOTA (sister of the academy) recently said, “Baby you know the Black Diaspora is huge!” To my dear sisters whose life preference is to be with only a black man — I dig it! I love my fathers, brothers, cousins, and even misguided friends. Just know that from Canada to Argentina and Chile to Australia, black men exist. And they don’t all live in abject poverty praying for a green card to the United States. It may mean one less Gucci bag and pair of Louboutin one year for a solo trip in your passport (going with a gaggle of people limits your chances of actually interacting with folks you already know). But if finding viable black men who value you and themselves is important, they dear sister readers are out there.
Second, let’s be clear as the Belizean coral reef, black women’s bodies are not battlegrounds for the revolution — at least not mine. Yes, I will continue to fight for the liberatory justice from systems of domination for all people and my children will be taught to be just as consciously aware and active in this humanistic fight. So, that litmus test of my consciousness based on whom I date, like and love can be put to rest.
Returning to my inquiring friend whom I love dearly, it took everything godly and civil within me to refrain from reaching over his plate of catfish and tersely responding, “Because in all your demanding inquisitions about me and my commitment to black people, you have still yet to answer whether you do or don’t want me.” In the meantime, am I supposed to wait in the wings while you play leading role in my life? I think not, though I know to many women, black, white, yellow, brown, whatever willing to do so.
Additionally, for those who buy into the “commodity” factor of educated black men, dear brothers, you can put your hands back in your pockets if you are waiting for me to give you a cookie for having your “life” together according to the norms of American society. Believing that there’s a hierarchy of struggle that makes your “success” much more valuable than anyone else’s, keeps divisiveness in black communities and allows for the proliferation of white supremacist ideologies in our lives.
The white man I am currently dating figured out that I am a woman of interest that he enjoys sharing moments of his life with. Furthermore, he doesn’t hold my life achievements against me as if markers of a disease; nor am I valorized upon an alienating pedestal for being “too much,” as if that is a compliment. Hence, we value and appreciate what we offer one another right now.
Heaven forbid black women for wanting to be reciprocally wanted and discovering that in the world beyond their twenty-mile daily radius, there just may be someone or multiple someones out there ready and willing to comply.
What do you think?
BIO: Stephany “Stiletto” Rose, Ph. D. is a poet, activist, public intellectual and an assistant professor of Women’s and Ethnic Studies at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs. Article originally published on Dr. Rose’s blog page at http://thedrstiletto.com/2012/02/15/why-im-dating-a-white-man/
Photos in this article were provided by USARiseUp.com.
Comments
The fact that black women
The fact that black women feel that they need to think about pros and cons to dating a white man, or the other way around, is honestly disgusting to me. People should date whomever they want and not feel like they are being judged for how smart they are or what their status is in the community.
Why does race matter?
Love is love and I think this article shows how race is such an issue in our society. Even when there are articles about overcoming race like this one it still shows that they thought about it and it did have an impact on decisions.
Race does matter in our world
I notice a theme among comments. And that is the ideal of color blindness. If I have learned nothing else in school, I have learned that race does matter and that color blindness is destructive. And I belong to a profession to professes to see everyone as one color: green. To the point, race is important because everyone's experience is shaped by it. To claim it does not matter is to dismiss the inequities that socially-created racial categories have created, now matter how sincerely, or naively, we wish them away. So, in short, we must acknowledge race and the dynamics it produces while not alienating the "other" in order to help alleviate some of our societal ills. Or, conversely, we could deny it and, coincidentally, deny our own complicity in racism.
Buying into sterostypes-
I thought this article was interesting because she seemed to be describing, at least how I understood it, that people in the African American community were buying into stero types.
That if a black male was well educated, successful, and childless, then he was awarded a "pat on the back", if you will, for escaping the normal fate of black men.
This also affects black females because as she was saying, people kept telling her successful black men are hard to come by... and you need to be less successful than him if you want a chance to grab him.
The whole concept was sad to me... not even the race thing. Just the fact that people told her she should not continue her education and not be as successful so she could get a man.
At least that's what I picked up on from reading this.
I'm happy she found a guy who appreciates her for everything she is as a person, including her intelligence.
Interesting
I found this article interesting because I am currently taking a gender and communication class. Recently I read in the textbook that black males are threatened by black females of higher status or education then them.
I found this very interesting for several reasons. I have been thinking a lot of masculine and feminine roles that society places on us, and I completely disagree and dislike them. I do not think that being biological male or female means you should be placed in these categories of how to act or behave. It is also stereotyping the African American community that may not necessarily be true. I do not think that stereotypes of race or gender should play a factor in any decision you make in your life because everyone is different.
Response...choices.
Fortunately, I think society is (slowly) breaking out of the gender roles you described, but I think you make an excellent point. It is really amazing that these gender stereotypes have been perpetuated for so long and it's interesting that people feel the need to fulfill a particular "role" in order to seem like a productive member of society. In my opinion, this is nothing other than conformity. Like you said, everyone is different, so they should be free to make their own choices. However, I don't think that the right to make personal decisions is in question here. Instead, I feel like the most important factor is how people will be perceived by others after the said action or decision has been carried out.
Race matters for dating?
I am an International student from Korea so i never realized about this issue.
As I live in America, I could know that many black people date with only black people and many asian date asian people. People are interested in similarities. Black woman usually date with black man but it should be changed. People are equal and they should date whoever they want. Race does not matter only matter is the love.
Dating white men
Thank you for that uplifting and insightful article. Often times as black women we get caught up in the idea of betraying our black men by dating outside of our race,but everyone deserves to be loved and to give love, so I say go for it, why not? Life is too short.
Change Overtime
The dating realm has ultimately changed over the last few decades. It was not fond to date outside your ethnic race because of society. Family and friends might also be pressure upon who you find attractive. The influences we have on dating are found through the expectations of others. We are constantly thinking about how we will be judged when we start dating someone. If it's their age, race, sex, gender, or ethnicity, there's always an ethnocentric point of view in dating. For example, I am an Asian American. An expectation for me would be to date within my comfort zone, so my parents expect me to marry an Asian individual. Unfortunately as time passes, this ethnocentric point of view is slowly vanishing. In today's modern society, we see more and more interracial couples and it is not odd. In my opinion, the color of another person's skin should not influence our perception in dating.
Love is love, regardless of
Love is love, regardless of race. I can see why people often times want to date within their race, but love is blind, it doesnt discriminate between sex, age, and especially race. But it most socieities if not all, it is expected for one to marry or court someone of the same race, it is just the way society is. Race will always be an issue in society regardless of what it is. I do see more inter racial dating though, which is a cool thing, hopefully people will be able to step outside their bubbles and began to realize how blind love really is.
The Meaning of LOVE
It is interesting to read the comments that follow this article. I completely feel that love is simply love and is blind from color or race. However, why does society add extra pressures that would not be there otherwise? Can we all not just love who we want to love and let our heart pick who it will fall in love with? The world is a crazy place and racist or not some sort of prejudice or barrier will always exist.
Love
Ever since the Supreme Court ruling in Loving vs. Virginia, it has been made illegal for people to ban interracial marriage. It is disappointing that so many people seem to still be racist when it comes to whom others fall in love with. I think we need to start taking people for their individual value, instead of making oversimplified, and generalized comments about an individual of a particular race achieving success.
Im shocked there are still
Im shocked there are still issues such as these in our society. Especially when considering love. Whom a person falls in love with is and should be, solely based upon who that individual is. The fact that there are still discrepancies is terrible. I think everyone should let go of these terribly stereotypes and let people love whomever they wish.
I Agree
I agree with what you are saying about what you are saying about the issues within society. I do not think someone's love life concerns anyone else but themselves.
Dating preferences
I enjoyed this article. It was well written and insightful. I don't know why anyone would think it is their business to tell someone else who they "should" be dating. Dating should be based on similar interests and connections and leave the physical stuff for the teenage years. When one becomes mature they realize that the physical outside of a person is but a small part of who they are. We all have our preferences as to what attracts us but it is often missed opportunity if we do not look past that. The writer has chosen to do that and is enjoying a mutual satisfying relationship. Is it a marriage in the making? Who is to say but they have come into each others lives for a reason and only they can figure out what benefits those hold for them.
Your Decision
Within society today there is way too much attention brought up about race. There is no need to tell people who they "should" or "should not" be dating. It is there decision and ultimately it does not matter what race or ethnicity they choose to be with. It is their decision on whom they would like to be with and it should not affect any one else.
Dating Outside Your Race
I think that Black women are entitled to date whomever they choose to simply because Black men do it with NO issues. However, I also feel like Black women have little options when they feel like they have to resort to dating outside their race. I know a couple of Black women who feel like dating outside your race is like betraying your own race simply because when Black men and women date outside their race and have mixed children, it decreases the demographics for "fully Black" individuals in the U.S. to have representation. Now, more than ever, you see people that are mixed with Black and something else. Black men dating outside their race has become the norm, just look at the amount of athletes with these non-Black women. And look where some of them ended up as well. (50 percent broker). Anyways, when Black women date outside their race, it's awkward because you think, can he handle her? (mainly because Black women are seen as strong individuals and some men are intimidated by that). I personally wouldn't date outside my race because that's just MY preference.
As an independent, educated,
As an independent, educated, and successful black woman, I definitely understand and agree with the author. It makes no sense that race is still such a major issue in today's society. We as black people do not even realize the damage that this type of thinking does to all the progress we have made over the years. If you are attracted to someone and you love them, their skin color should not matter. Underneath the skin we are all human beings looking for love and happiness. That search should not be limited by skin color and race.
Race shouldn't matter, but it does
Dating another person outside my race, was strictly prohibited, well unless it was a white person. I grew up with very misguided parents’ who didn’t think it was racist at all to tell their children that they shouldn’t date an African-American, or someone with really dark skin. I thought this was somewhat ironic because I’m Mexican and while I’m not very dark, I’m by no means white. I honestly don’t think my parents are racist; rather they are very ignorant of other racial groups. I think that they know that in this country you are judged by the color of your skin. I don’t think my parents wanted us to have a more difficult life than was necessary or be associated with a “stigma” that is attached with dating a person outside your race or of having children with really dark skin. I remembering reading an article of an African-American mother who said that when she read about Trayvon Martin, the first thing she thought was, “That could’ve been my son.” She described how when she was pregnant she would start thinking about how hard the life of her son was going to be just for being male and African American. I know my mom has told me various times that I should marry a White person so that our children could be light skinned and beautiful because even today the lighter skin you have the more beautiful you are considered. I use to think it was weird dating someone outside your race, but now it’s becoming more and more common and that’s a really good thing.
race shouldn't matter in love
I find it interesting that interracial dating is still looked down upon by some people and cultures. Love is spontaneous which is the beauty of it. We fall for people because they make us smile, laugh, they're intelligent, sweet, kind, giving, etc. Some of us don't go looking for love by race. We let it happen naturally and fall for people's qualities and aspirations not their skin color or cultural background. However, for some cultures, it is very common and preferred to date within your race. Take arranged marriages for example. People don't get to spontaneously fall for someone over another person. They're partner is already chosen for them and they have to learn to love their significant other. Meanwhile, other people simply prefer to date certain people whether it is within or outside their race.